Strong Families - Family Values

The family is the basic social unit of society. It is in the family that we first learn to play, to share, to help and to love. Some families effectively prepare family members to be strong, contributing members of society; others do not.

All families have challenges and weaknesses. But some families use key strengths to grow and prosper. What makes some families effective and others ineffective? Years of research have found that strong families cultivate six characteristics.

First, strong families have commitment. The membership of each family member is recognized and valued. Family members are committed to help each other succeed and there is an attitude of "one for all, and all for one." In short, there is allegiance to the family and family life is a priority.

Second, strong families express appreciation. Appreciation is one of the deepest human needs. We all want our efforts recognized and appreciated. Strong families make a habit of expressing gratitude. They look for the good in one another and openly acknowledge it when it is found. They celebrate their successes. In strong families, communication is positive and compliments are common.

Third, strong families spend time together. Although quality time is important, so is quantity time. Strong families do things together and do them often. They enjoy the time they spend with their families . They eat together, play together, and work together. Frequently they choose family activities over other non-family activities. This abundance of time together helps them develop an abundance of shared experiences and memories that unite and strengthen them.

Fourth, strong families develop spiritually. For many families, their faith community becomes a second family that provides extra support. A spiritual connection can also provide purpose, direction, and perspective. As the old adage says, "the family that prays together stays together."

Fifth, strong families deal effectively with conflict, stress, and crisis. All families experience conflict, but strong families attack the problem, not each other. They manage conflict in ways that are respectful of the unique perspective that each family member brings to a problem. Furthermore, strong families manage their resources wisely and plan ahead so stress is minimized. When crisis does hit, strong families unite and draw on one another for strength and support.

Finally, strong families have rhythm. They have routines, rituals, and traditions that give direction, meaning, and structure to the daily flow of life. There are rules or principles that they live by. These family patterns or rhythms also give stability and clarify family roles and expectations. Still, the healthiest families are also open to change. They have learned to adapt to the changing needs of their family. They grow with the times and one another. From both the past and the present grow new traditions and new rhythm. The harmony and rhythm may change in creative ways, but the beauty of the music continues.

Effective family communication could be listed as a seventh family strength, but actually communication is a basis for all family strengths. As the six strengths develop, so does communication. The reverse is also true, effective family communication contributes to the development of family strengths.

All families have room for improvement. All families have some strengths. By adding strengths to those you already have, you can make your family even stronger.

Applications:

Here are several ideas for strengthening your family:

1. Have regular dates. If you are married, make time for regular fun-time with your partner. A strong marriage can add strength to the family. Some families also have regular date nights with their children. Regardless of your family circumstance, make time for the important relationships in your life.

2. Hold regular family meetings. Family meetings help us give proper attention to our family. They provide a forum of discussion for family issues, and an opportunity to plan for family time. Family meetings help us to be proactive instead of reactive.

3. Make a point to express your appreciation more often. Leave thank-you notes around the house. Incorporate an appreciation ritual into your family meeting. Celebrate special achievements of family members. Make a list of 101 things for which your family can be grateful.

4. Make a plan for effectively dealing with conflict before you have conflict. Don‘t wait until the heat is on and tempers are high to decide how to best resolve a disagreement. Plan ahead and then, when needed, put your plan into action.

5. Explore you family history. Trace your family lines. Find out about roots and share the lessons of life from heroes in your family line. Find out what your ancestors stood for. Family history is a wonderful activity for all ages.

6. Keep a family journal or scrap book of significant family events and achievements. Remembering the good times can give us strength to endure the tough times.

7. Celebrate! Recognize the achievements of family members. Remember significant anniversaries with parties or family rituals. Make time to bask in the joyful moments of life.

Additional Resources:

Fantastic Families: 6 Proven Steps to Building a Strong Family
        by Nick Stinnett, Joe Beam, and Alice Beam

The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties
        by William J. Doherty

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families
        by Stephen R. Covey

See FamilyIQ test, "Parenting Standards", and FamilyIQ courses, "Identifying Your Parenting Style" and "Parental Teamwork." See also the FamilyIQ Shop for entertaining and educational Parenting CDs.

"Dr. Wally" Goddard is an Extension Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas. He is the creator of a television series called, "Guiding Successful Children," for the Arkansas Educational Network. Wally is the author of several books and numerous articles. He and his wife Nancy have been married for 30 years and have three children, three grandchildren and over 20 foster children whom they‘ve raised over the years.