With all of the conflicting sexual messages targeting your teens, laying the groundwork for sexual discussion with them may seem an overwhelming and fruitless task. You may feel that you have very little say in your adolescent’s opinions and sexual behavior, and you may worry that your teen simply won’t listen to you. Perhaps you don’t want to accept that your son or daughter is no longer a child, but a teenager with sexual inclinations and concerns. And if you were raised in a household where sexual issues were rarely discussed, or if those discussions were incredibly unpleasant, the idea of talking to your son or daughter about sexual issues may seem frightening or uncomfortable.
Whatever your reasons for avoiding those topics may be, you’ll probably agree that it is important to discuss sexual issues before serious sexual problems arise. While you may feel powerless, in actuality your role as a parent is vitally important in your child’s sexual health. The way you think and talk about sex will strongly color how your son or daughter thinks about and discusses those issues. Whether they follow your example or not, your children will likely uphold your concepts of sexual relationships as the norm, by either adhering to or deviating from them.
Regardless of your concerns, you cannot have a voice in your child’s sexual decisions unless you speak up. Creating a supportive, open environment in your household is easier than you may think, and this will provide the groundwork for serious conversations. In order to prepare both yourself and your teen for these discussions, you’ll need to create an arena of trust, with non-judgmental listening and honesty. Following are a few simple steps you can do to try to make these difficult conversations a little easier.
Make Sexual Discussions Commonplace
Talking to your child about bigger issues will be difficult if you have never spoken about sex before. Use television shows or current events as springboards for family conversations. It’s often easier to talk about someone else than it is to talk about oneself, so don’t hesitate to use cultural icons as examples of either positive or negative sexual ideas. Use an article on teen pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases to begin discussions on what your teen’s peers have to say about the issues. It may seem awkward at first, but as you work these conversations into the tapestry of your family discussions, they will become increasingly natural. Your son/daughter will learn that you are not oblivious to sexual concerns that they might be having, and also that you are open to hearing their opinions on the matter.
Use Appropriate Language
How we choose to say something says quite a bit about how we feel about it. In sexual discussions, try to avoid the use of emotionally charged words, instead working accurate and appropriate sexual terms into your vocabulary. If you don’t know them, look them up! The use of derogatory sexual terms may confound some sexual ideas your son or daughter already has and could infuse your child with guilt or anger. Learn, and teach your child neutral terms, which will allow her to make up her own mind on the matter, and recognize that sex is a normal and healthy aspect of adult relationships. Instead of being embarrassed, your child will learn through your example that there are ways to discuss sexuality without being insulting, silly, or obscene. Additionally, euphemisms may confuse your son or daughter – be clear and direct in your language.
If you find that your adolescent is using inappropriate sexual terms, try to engage in active listening to figure out why. If they use derogatory terms for sexual ideas, ask them about their feelings on those ideas. Often, though the words they use may be emotionally charged and anger or upset you, your child is simply communicating in the language he or she is used to hearing. Instead, provide them with appropriate terms and try to stay as neutral as possible. Euphemisms may indicate that your child doesn’t completely understand the ideas he or she is talking about or is uncomfortable discussing them openly. You can guide the conversation without embarrassing your teen by using more accurate and specific terms. Overly derogatory terms may indicate insecurity on your child’s part, so keep the conversation as neutral and supportive as possible. If a term your child is using makes you uncomfortable, explain to them why.
Make Yourself Available
After setting up the environment of openness in your home, let your child know that you are always available to discuss things with him or her in private. Being available for discussion is more, however, than just informing your child that you are there for them. Here are some promises you can make to your child that will allow him or her to come to you readily with their concerns:
1) You will listen to what your child has to say before offering advice. Sometimes, more than seeking answers, your son or daughter wants to talk things out in order to figure them out for him or herself. Though we may want to help our children avoid hardship by providing all of the answers, it is important to listen first to what they have to say, and show them that their questions and concerns are valid. Engage in active listening. After your child has said their piece, the two of you can work together to figure out solutions.
2) You will be honest and open with your child. You cannot expect your child to be honest and open with you if you are not honest and open with him or her. If your child has questions, answer them to the best of your ability, and if you don’t know the answers, look them up together. Providing your child with inaccurate information will not prevent them from having sex or frighten them into behaving the way you want them to. If your child discovers that something you’ve told them is untrue, they will not come to you when they want honest information, nor will they feel obligated to tell you the truth.
3) You will refrain from judging your child for what they have to say or ask. This is an important one. If your child is going to be honest with you about what he or she is going through, they have to know that they have your unconditional love and support. If your child brings up a topic that makes you feel angry or uncomfortable, let them know that you are glad that they are talking to you, and that even if you don’t approve of decisions they have made, that you would rather they talk to you than hide them from you. If you cannot proceed without being angry or hurtful, take some time to sort out your emotions on the topic, and come back to it when you are ready to approach your child with love and respect.
4) You will respect your child’s privacy, and keep these conversations confidential. Understand that your child may be more comfortable talking to one parent or another. Although you or your partner may feel left out if your are not the chosen parent, try to respect your child’s comfort levels and be glad that he or she is confiding in one of you. Do not betray your child’s trust by discussing these conversations with your friends and relatives. If you need advice, ask questions of those you trust without getting into the details of your child’s predicament. Of course, if there is a serious issue at hand, you’ll want to discuss it with your partner. Inform your teen of this before the discussion with your partner takes place, and explain why it’s important to do so.
The Bigger Picture
Although discussions about sex with your child may stir up conflicting feelings and impulses, keep the bigger picture in mind. Every parent wants their child to be capable of happy and healthy adult relationships. Adolescence, being the transition into adulthood, is the time when the necessary steps to the next plateau must be broached. Sexual concerns are a normal part of this process, and your readiness to discuss them with your son or daughter will teach openness, confidence, and proactive problem solving. Preparing your teen for sexually responsible adulthood will provide him or her with the strength needed to face the cacophony of conflicting ideas and emotions. You can, and do, make a difference.
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Sarah Dudzic is an writer, musician, and performer who graduated from Bard College with a BA in theater and creative writing. She has worked extensively to improve the lives of developmentaly disabled and emotionally disturbed children by teaching and providing access to the arts.
Shari Landes,
Shari Landes worked as a senior researcher in experimental psychology at Princeton University for 15 years, primarily studying learning, cognition, and linguistics. She has an extensive web presence, beginning with the development of one of the first websites that provided resources on ADHD and related disorders. She has published numerous research articles and book chapters (MIT Press).
