Someone very wise once said, "The two worst times in a woman‘s life are when she is 13 and when her daughter is 13." Whether the age is 11, 12, or 13 and up, adolescence in girls is truly one of life‘s more challenging journeys. This bridge between childhood and womanhood is, among other things, a time of loss for both mother and daughter.
Child to Adolescent
The pre-adolescent girl has no trouble knowing what she wants or feeling she deserves to have it. She is full of life, vibrant, interested. She acts out of a sureness within herself and does not question her place in the world. But somehow in adolescence this glorious child disappears to be replaced by a moody, bored, deeply self-critical and self-conscious adolescent. The mother, who was once adored, confided in, and sought out is now a barely tolerable intruder.
While the mother may be grieving the loss of her child as she knew her, the daughter is actually losing her self. The daughter is confused, conflicted, angry, and sad. She truly doesn‘t know who she is, and because she doesn‘t know herself any longer, her self-esteem suffers a terrible blow. The early adolescent girl can, and often does, turn her conflicted feelings back toward herself, blaming herself for her own confusion. She is moody and can seem withdrawn and depressed. She cannot relate to anything in the same way, especially her mother.
Mothers must remember that this is a normal developmental stage, and as isolated or cut off as they feel, their daughter‘s experience is much more intense, her confusion much greater. Unlike the mother, a young adolescent has no perspective. She is completely caught up in the storm of changes she is experiencing.
Mother As Guide and Nurturer
Therefore, as hurt or angry as a mother feels, she is the one who has more control, she is the one who must provide the guidance, she is the one who must take the higher road. The way a mother responds to her daughter during this time has a tremendous impact on the kind of adult the daughter will become. In very positive terms, the mother‘s conscious attention can make a huge difference in her daughter‘s life. The most important thing for a daughter to know is that her mother is not going to reject her; that she is there and willing to listen and support her.
Nurturing her daughter‘s self-esteem may be one of the most valuable gifts a mother can give during a time when the daughter feels physically awkward, mentally distracted, and emotionally volatile. Following are a few suggestions to mothers for affirming a daughter‘s changes.
An adolescent girl is extremely self-conscious about her changing body. It does not help that our society‘s idea of what a woman should look like is so skewed that many girls turn into women and never feel their bodies are all right the way they are. To help, acknowledge the changes her body is going through as normal and positive; she is becoming a woman, one who will be able to bear children; her body needs to become rounder. Compliment her on how she looks in her clothes. Encourage her to keep her body healthy and strong. Suggest that she become involved in sports or other physical activities. Follow her progress. Go to games or exhibitions. Continue to be an active presence in her life.
Let her know you are there to listen. If she is very angry or hostile and you think a conversation would not be useful, then tell her you cannot continue to be insulted, but when she calms down, you will be very happy to listen to her concerns.
Share some of your experiences as an adolescent. See if you can find similarities in your experience that might let her know you really do understand some of what she is going through. Let her know that the way she feels will not last forever, and that even those peers she thinks are totally cool and happy are probably also having a very hard time.
Understand that it may not look like your daughter is taking in what you are saying when she really is. It just may take a while to see its effects in future actions or conversations. Be as steady as you can in supporting her; at the same time, realize that no one is perfect, and you will not always say or do the exact "right" thing. If you feel at a loss in reaching your daughter or think she is at risk, seek help. Your attention is crucial. Your daughter needs you.
See FamilyIQ‘s Course in the Parenting category, ‘Nurturning Self-Esteem in Adolescent Girls‘ and Building Self-Esteem in Your Child' to learn more.
