If you’re like most parents, you might find that interpersonal struggles in your home often add stress and tension to a schedule already crammed to the brim with work and activities. You may feel as if you’re carrying too much of the burden, that your spouse and/or children don’t appreciate you, or simply be overwhelmed by the constant stream of tasks and trials. Regardless of the issues at hand, feeling alone can make even the minor problems seem catastrophic.  

Have you ever worked in a group where no one knew what their role was? Where you didn’t trust your teammate or co-worker to do their job? Where bickering, nitpicking or competition took away from the greater good? Where no one asked for help for fear of being perceived as being weak? If so, you probably know firsthand the trouble that is caused when a group that needs to be working as a team is divided by individuals with different directions and no network of support. Maybe one person did all the work, maybe the work got done but took twice as long as it should have, or maybe it didn’t get done at all. Instead of reaping the benefits of the skills and abilities of the group, disorganization and personal differences compounded the workload and stress involved in the project. Whether we utilize the benefits of the relationship or not, parents are a team – a small group of people working toward some common goals – in this case, the health and well-being of the individuals and relationships within the home, and the health and well-being of the family as a whole. Though the specifics of the goals therein may change, it is important to keep these higher goals in mind. Although it may initially seem difficult, if you want to live in a comfortable, loving, and fair environment, teamwork is the only solution.

There are several ingredients in the recipe for teamwork. The TEAM fundamentals are:

Trust,

Establishing roles and responsibilities,

Accountability, and

Maintaining a united front.  

TRUST

First, let’s talk about trust. Those four little letters carry a lot of baggage for most people. Trust is the foundation of each and every relationship – without it, we have nothing to build upon. But even for those of us who have been extremely lucky in our relationships throughout life, each of us has had at least one experience that links that beautiful and proactive little word with much uglier groups of letters, such as “fear,” “disappointment,” or even “betrayal.” This can make this most basic of human needs – to trust and be trusted: the need to feel safe within any relationship, difficult to meet. Perhaps we are afraid to rely on anyone other than ourselves, or that if we open up to someone else about our strengths and weaknesses, our hopes and fears, we become vulnerable. However, as difficult as trusting may be, attempting to maintain a relationship without trust is downright impossible. Merriam-Webster defines trust as follows:

TRUST: “[noun] a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; [ verb] a: to place confidence : DEPEND b: to be confident; a: to commit or place in one‘s care or keeping: ENTRUST b: to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving”

As you can see, trust goes beyond simply expecting your partner to tell you the truth. It involves confidence in your partner’s abilities, and in your partner’s commitment to certain ideals with which you will raise your children together. It means that you can ask for and offer help when it is needed, without resentment or fear. And while most major parenting decisions should be made together, if your partner must make one on his or her own, trust means that you have faith that their decision will be in the best interest of everyone involved. Trust is not expecting that your partner or co-parent obey you implicitly, in fact, this perspective may indicate a lack of trust, by not allowing him or her to be part of the decision-making process. Instead, trust means respecting and relying on your partner’s commitment to some jointly-held ideas and their ability to apply those ideals to real-life situations consistently and with integrity. 

Earlier we talked about the common goals of the parenting team – the health and well-being of the family unit. Do you trust that your spouse or co-parent is committed to this goal? If not, that issue will need to be addressed before you go any further, and goes much deeper than any issue that can be dealt with in a single article. If the answer is yes, however, then you must let this trust guide your interactions with him/her. Even if the marriage relationship is no longer functional between yourself and your co-parent, in order to work together in your child’s best interest, you will need to give your ex at least that much credibility. Discussions stemming from this will then address the best means to achieve that goal, instead of questioning fundamental commitment.

ESTABLISHING ROLES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Of course, trusting someone to the ends of the earth will do you no good if you don’t establish roles and responsibilities that match the abilities of you and your partner. Take some time and figure out what needs to be done daily, weekly and monthly, and assess how things are currently being handled. Is one person struggling with too heavy a workload? Are necessary tasks being neglected? Decide together what each of your strengths and weaknesses are, and how they can best be applied to the task at hand. If one of you is wonderful at organizing but hates getting sweaty, and one of you is willing to put in physical labor but pained by the idea of spending a day off inside, use that to your advantage when divvying up household chores. Likewise, one of you might deal with more of the physical needs of your children – ie, feeding, cleaning, whereas one of you might be the one on call for more of the serious talks or emotional needs. However, don’t let yourselves be limited by your roles. For the serious issues, both parents will need to be present, available and instrumental in the problem-solving process. If there are issues that neither of you are adept at dealing with, work together to fill those gaps, working and learning to move beyond yourself. Keep in mind that every challenge is an opportunity for growth. 

         Make sure that you arrange in a little down time for yourself and your partner, taking turns with chores and daily parenting tasks. For example, if evenings are particularly stressful, you can make a schedule providing each parent with time that they’re either “on call” for difficulties that arise or “off” so that they can get some much-needed relaxation. If you see your partner becoming overwhelmed, do whatever you can to provide relief, and likewise, ask for it when you need it. Remember, support’s a huge part of both of your roles!

ACCOUNTABILITY 

Once you’ve established roles for yourselves, accountability is the next necessary ingredient for a healthy team. Trust isn’t built on nothing, after all! It takes hard work to maintain the integrity of your home and relationship. Follow through on what you’ve accepted responsibility for, providing your partner with updates and/or progress reports. If you encounter difficulties, address them as they come up, instead of putting them off until the last minute. If you find that you or your partner can’t fulfill your prescribed roles, being accountable doesn’t mean that you will be penalized for your failures, but that you’ll admit to your limitations and work (together, as often as possible) to figure out different routes to success. Don’t be afraid of your mistakes, there’s often isn’t any way to find out what does work until we find out what doesn’t. Admitting when you’ve made mistakes and being willing to move past them with proactive solutions is what accountability is all about! Likewise, when your partner makes a mistake, try to refrain from knee-jerk criticisms, instead working together to find answers that you both can live with.  

MAINTAINING A UNITED FRONT 

Finally, it’s incredibly important that you maintain a united front. Now that we’ve established trust, roles and responsibilities, and that each of you will be accountable for your actions, this one should be a cinch! While you won’t agree on everything with your partner, once a parenting decision is made, support him or her in its implementation. If your child sees you undercutting each other’s authority, competing for her affections, or arguing about her, she might feel confused or unstable. It might teach her to question you or talk back, or that she can manipulate one parent against the other. If you’re genuinely concerned that your partner is acting out of fear or anger, request a time out for everyone to cool off, and for you to two to talk rationally (and privately) about a situation instead of calling him or her on it in front of your child. Of course your child will know that you don’t always agree, but she’ll learn that people have to work together to find solutions for the group. Seeing you two as a team working together in her best interest, no matter how hard things get, will provide her with the foundation she needs to feel safe and loved.  

         There’s no single answer that will make everything easier, but with a little organization and hard work, you can have a happy and healthy home. It may surprise you - putting in the extra effort makes things much easier, and allows you to take the time to celebrate your family’s love and achievements. Include your children in the team, working together to develop trust, establish roles, and learn accountability. Don’t forget to dole out ample praise for their contributions!

When you work together, everyone wins!

FamilyIQ Course Recommendation: Parental Teamwork: The importance of parental teamwork when providing discipline to children and teenagers is highlighted in this course as are specific communication and coordination strategies for parents seeking to maintain an effective united front to defiant or manipulative teenage children.

Sarah Dudzic is an writer, teacher, musician, and performer who graduated from Bard College with a BA in theater and creative writing. She has worked extensively to improve the lives of developmentaly disabled and emotionally disturbed children by teaching and providing access to the arts.

Shari Landes,

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