When we think about the ‘terrible twos’, what comes to mind is a small being who, when suddenly becoming aware of their sense of self, begins to loudly and strongly assert that self. One way a 2-year old can do this is to be obstinate and defy everything: it is the child’s way of gaining awareness of and understanding that one can have control of their environment.
At two years of age, this awareness can be somewhat charming, and it is indeed a special and important period in a child’s life. Parents are sometimes challenged by their child’s assertive and what appears to be defiant behavior. Understanding that this early behavior is part of a growing process from the beginning can help shape how we treat this behavior and how the child reacts to our treatment from childhood through adolescence.
Law of Physics
It is a law of physics that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And what holds true for the physical world can also hold true for our emotional and social worlds. How we deal with these ‘opposing forces’ is the difference between a struggle and a method to turn what is perceived as rebellious and defiant behavior into positive attributes.
A child asserting their will is a natural process, but it can be a frustrating one. The first step in dealing with a child’s negativity is to understand it. Instead of heading head first into the fray with an overwhelming reaction, understanding the child’s need to see and understanding how they fit into their environment by manipulating it can defuse a struggle before it begins. Reacting in an overpowering way can only add fuel to the fire and send mixed messages about the child’s power – or lack of it – as he moves through the world.
Cooperation vs. Conflict
With this in mind, a parent can deal with a child’s assertions by not meeting them with an expected overpowering reaction or by merely giving in to the child. Rather, encourage cooperation and compromise by understanding what the child actually is feeling and actually wants. It takes a lot of creative thinking on the parents’ part.
For instance, a point of struggle in young children may be bedtime. Instead of a back-and-forth battle to get your child to go to bed, the situation may be defused before it starts by offering choices to the child. “Would you like to walk to bed or be carried?” “Would you like to hear the Winnie-the-Pooh story or Goodnight Moon?” Offering realistic, positive, and broad choices and allowing them to choose demonstrates to your child that they do have power in the world.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed, and a good way to understand a child’s issues is to constantly reassess the areas where the child is most defiant and argumentative. Have the choices mapped out before the next situation arises. The use of problem solving methods encourages cooperation. Engage and involve the child in helping you problem solve by posing the question, “If you don’t want to do what I’m requesting this way, what solution do you think might work for everyone?”
Empowerment
Respecting a child’s appropriate choices and understanding their means of understanding the world around them will help them grow into respectful and empowered children, teens, and adults.
See FamilyIQ courses, ‘Conflict Management with Your Teen' and Managing Conflict with Your Adolescent‘ See also the FamilyIQ Shop for entertaining and educational Family CDs.
Shari Landes worked as a senior researcher in experimental psychology at Princeton University for 15 years, primarily studying learning, cognition, and linguistics. She has an extensive web presence, beginning with the development of one of the first websites that provided resources on ADHD and related disorders. She has published numerous research articles and book chapters (MIT Press).
