Family Tradition: Celebrating Milestones
Mark Hobbins
February 3, 2010

Like your family probably does, the Hobbins family has a few traditions that have brought great joy and benefits over the years. One tradition I would like to share with you has to do with birthdays. In our family, most of our traditions have to do with food, and celebrating a birthday is no exception! Typically, on their birthday, each of our children chooses his or her favorite affordable restaurant to enjoy this special birthday dinner with the entire family. However, our family birthday tradition goes a little bit deeper than just the meal. At some point during the restaurant meal, we conduct what we call a “strength group.” During this strength group, each person at dinner gets to share one trait they admire about the brother or sister being honored. Besides naming a trait, the ‘presenter’ also states an expression of love or friendship toward the birthday honoree.

Our family has been doing this exercise for many years, but not too long ago the real impact of this tradition was brought to light for me in an unusual way. On the car ride to the restaurant, one of our daughters mentioned to me that she did not want to do the ‘dad thing,’ where people say, “all those things about you.” She was feeling less confident than usual, and perhaps was feeling undeserving or fearful of her family’s expression. I encouraged her to allow us to honor her, but emphasized that if she didn’t want me to initiate that experience, I would honor that request. Later on, as we sat at dinner discussing typical family things, our daughter leaned over to me and said, “Dad, it’s ok if you do ‘that dad thing.’ ” I smiled at her. A few minutes later I asked for everyone’s attention and said, “It’s now time to take our turn sharing with our lovely birthday girl the one thing each of us admires about her.” As we each took our turn going around the table, I could see that our daughter’s heart was touched deeply as she listened to each of her sisters and brothers share sincere and meaningful expressions of love and admiration. Tears welled in her eyes as she was overwhelmed with these sweet and sincere expressions. A heart was healed… and confidence replaced fear.

I thought about this all evening as this family tradition and my daughter’s reactions touched my heart deeply as well. No matter what age we are, we all enjoy hearing sincere appreciation and something positive about ourselves. I look back across those early family years until now and see how after fifteen or twenty years each child has had imprinted something positive and meaningful into their mind and heart, reinforced by siblings and parents. While we have made our share of mistakes, this is one tradition that has become an institution in our home and among my children’s friends as well. If you are ever around us and we are celebrating your birthday, watch out, because you might be embarrassed by the positive things we may say about you!

Every child and certainly every parent needs frequent opportunities to both express and receive love and praise. I encourage you to look for times when you can all gather together and take turns saying something positive and loving about one another. It is immensely satisfying: a healing and unifying effort.


FamilyIQ has some wonderful information about family traditions, see the free course:
Unifying Your Family: Make Your Coat of Arms
Article: Celebrating as Families


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Sharing and Support

Mark Hobbins

The importance of a kind and willing ‘ear’ cannot be dismissed. Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine who shared with me the troubles she was having with her child. Like most of us at these times, she was feeling completely bewildered, alone, and awful. I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, even attempt to solve her problems in one short conversation. However, what I did do is listen and share with her the thought that I have come to believe: that there will be times in our lives when our happiness as a parent is only as happy as our unhappiest child. Sometimes it seems no matter how positive and independent we strive to be in our moods, nothing can throw us like a child who is hurting, unresponsive, or struggling. By this brief phrase, I let my friend know that I was listening to her, that I HEARD her, and that I understood and emphasized with what she was experiencing. And she was able to breathe a bit easier.

So, in those tough times it can be helpful to reach out to a close friend or group of friends who are willing to listen without being judgmental. The kind of people who can truly listen without constantly offering advice. There are also those people who are what I call ‘silent sufferers’, who don’t have a large circle of friends handy with whom they can easily share. All is not lost; there are always ways to find people to share the burden, such as reaching out to spiritual leaders or a therapist. Sometimes anonymous (or not) online groups with related interests can be helpful as well.

Something good comes from verbalizing our hurts and disappointments. Not only does this help us get back on track, it may also provide an opportunity to discover how we can help our struggling child.

I have been working with parents for almost 25 years; parents whose children are struggling, and the one constant experience these parents have is the benefit they feel when sharing their hurt, pain, and inner selves with our group. I cannot say whether or not that benefit comes from the process of verbalizing their innermost feelings and allowing themselves to be vulnerable, or from knowing that they are not alone. I only know that there is strength, knowledge and comfort that comes from turning to sympathetic others

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Life-Learning Opportunities
Mark Hobbins

As our family gathered for the holiday, I asked everyone to do an activity with me. This activity consisted of reading about a person who, amidst great challenges in his life, stayed the course and never gave up.

As we read, it became apparent that the reason for this kind of dogged dedication was that at any given time, our hero was able to recall all of the earlier challenges in his life that, in spite of difficulty and adversity, were never allowed to languish or given up on as hopeless causes. These adversities created ‘life-learning opportunities’ and became positive experiences to refer to throughout life.

Our family discussed the importance of memory of our experiences and challenges and of the outcome of those experiences.

To help them all fully understand what I was hoping to get across, I shared with my family a list of experiences I had in my life that always remind me that I never want to give up or give in. A case in point was my recollection of the first time I appeared as an expert panelist on the Dr. Phil television show. I was nervous and anxious about my appearance and worried about my performance. But I relaxed when I allowed my passion for helping and teaching families overtake and overcome my anxiety. My television appearance was a success! Thereafter, when confronted with similar situations, situations that trigger similar emotions and fears, all it takes for me is to recall my past motivations and outcomes. How I deal with my memory of these emotions and experiences reminds me that I can confront obstacles and accomplish my goals while staying true to my goals, my emotions, and my beliefs.

I then asked each of our children to write down on a piece of paper three to five important experiences that would help them remember who they are and what they can accomplish.

After reading their completed lists, I became inspired about the understanding and thoughtful introspection of what they wrote about.

We ended our discussion talking about the value of this exercise as a way of keeping us on track with how we deal with what life offers us: who we are, and who we continue to grow to become. I keep my ‘life-learning opportunities’ list posted in my room so I can refer to it often.

FamilyIQ has online parenting classes and articles. Check out www.familyiq.com for more information.

Preparation and Consistency Precedes Peace

One of the keys to being effective in parental disciplining is to be properly prepared BEFORE having to consequence.

Often, we as parents find ourselves disciplining (also known as consequencing) our children in the heat of our anger and frustration. Sometimes we say things we don't really mean, and in many cases we have no intention of following through on the things we do say. Furthermore, I have spoken to many parents who complain that while they may try to impose consequences, too often they have found their spouse sabotaging these consequences because the spouse doesn’t agree with them.

The key to avoiding these kinds of disciplining problems is to be clear BEFOREHAND – that is, all parties should be aware of what consequence is attached to the behavior or activity. Parents should be especially united on these issues so that they present a united front and do not contradict each other. Every child deserves to know the clear and predictable consequences of their behaviors, so they can rely on a consistency of application and treatment.

FamilyIQ (www.familyiq.com) has two courses that assist parents in the critical area of consistent and prepared discipline: Behavioral Contracting and Being a Parent vs. Being a Friend. These courses can help parents think through the consequences before having to set them and carry them out. When this consistent pattern is followed, children will understand their boundaries: what those boundaries are and where those boundaries are crossed. In this manner, children will become more able to meet their responsibilities and commitments. This solid level of preparedness and consistency also conveys a feeling of safety to the child. The child understands what to expect at all times and learns that he or she can rely on their parent(s) because they are reliably consistent.