Love is spelled T-I-M-E

When you look at your calendar what do you see? Most likely there are appointments that take care of the business of life, and few, if any, appointments scheduled for the business of love. Are the most important people in your life given any of your focused time on a regular basis or are they just “fit in” when you have some free time? It is often the case that we simply co-exist with our family members rather than giving purposeful attention to them.

In my hectic life, I seem to have so much going on with the many demands on my time that I tend to be “reactive” in my schedule. I am often tempted to feel as if I am a victim of my crazy calendar, rather than the director of my time.

If you have had similar feelings, let me remind you of something all of us already know we should do, but put off doing … schedule in the ones you love. A few minutes or a few hours should be marked on your calendar so you make sure it happens.

Schedule on your calendar:
• A time to take your spouse/partner on a date.
• A walk or an outing just to sit on a bench and talk.
• A trip to the park with your child.
• A shopping trip or game of catch or a time to play a board game.
• A phone call to a family member.
• A greeting card or e-mail sent with love.

Even if all you do is plan to get out of the house and take a few minutes with each other, put it on your calendar and schedule the time to do it, or you will fill those time slots with something else!

There are so many ways in which we can use our calendars to ensure that the most important people in our lives get time. As the saying goes, love is spelled T-I-M-E.

After reading this blog, look at your calendar and schedule some time for the business of love.

It’s all about consistency . . .

An intriguing thing happened the other day at lunch. A friend of mine (who happens to be a psychiatrist) was suggesting the value of consistent action as the best predictor of success. He cited recent studies regarding the efficacy of therapists. The study suggested that the “success” of a therapist is not necessarily about the mode of therapeutic training, but rather success often lies in the consistent application of that mode. In other words, it is not always in the depth of training, knowledge or expertise one may have, but may well be found more often in consistently applying what is known. Various methods seem to be equally effective as long as the practitioner stays with that one method.

This same principal applies to parenting as well. Have you ever noticed the various parenting styles of one family versus another and found them to be equally successful? My style of parenting will likely not be effective for you, nor will yours be for me. What determines effective parenting is consistently applying what you know.

It is my experience that children need and want clear, predictable and consistent parenting. When rules, standards and love are applied consistently, then children acquire a sense of safety. When children feel safe emotionally, as well as physically, they can grow and develop without limitation. Has this been your experience as well?

The issue of family togetherness seems more complicated today than in past, if not for us as parents, certainly for our children. In my opinion, parents need to know more, as well as be wiser in their approach to raising today’s children.

I, for one, have made my share of mistakes, but have also felt the contentment to see my own children grow and succed . . . often in spite of their parents. I have long counseled parents not to take too much of the credit when children do well, and certainly not take on all the guilt when things go poorly.

Parents can and should create a loving, learning, predictable and safe environment for their children. We will be addressing these areas in depth throughout this blog. We will also address knowing the difference between what you can and should do, from what you cannot control, and then learn to be ok with that.

I would like to ask you to consider the impact moms and dads have on their children when the parents are not on the same page . . . times when their decisions and actions constitute disharmony, separate agendas, or create what therapists call, “triangulation.” Triangulation can occur when two members of a family align to the detriment of another member of the family. When parents are not united in how they approach a child, that child can triangulate or unite with one parent and seek to minimize or alienate the other parent.

When parents are not united in their approach or outwardly supportive of one another, it seems like children have this innate ability to use this disharmony for their own gain. Many parents have gained a greater awareness from our course on “Parental Teamwork” that discusses the issues related to this topic. What are your thoughts?

Why can't some dads be more nurturing? A son looks back

From the The News-Sentinel / FortWayne.com

SACRAMENTO, Calif. - When he was 13 years old, Calvin Sandborn silently wished that his abusive, alcoholic father would die.

Soon, the Oroville, Calif., boy got his wish.

A part of him was relieved, but he also was filled with guilt and dread. Was it his fault? What would his life be like now? What would happen to him and his family?

Calvin started to sob, until his ex-Marine brother David set him straight. "We're the men in the family now, boys," he quotes David as telling Calvin and his other brother Tom that morning. "We have to take this like men."

So that day, and for a good part of his adult life, Calvin stopped crying. He "bucked up," burying his emotions deep inside of him.

All of that macho repression, he now insists, took a heavy toll on his emotional life and relationships.

Through countless hours of therapy and years of introspection, Sandborn finally has found peace. His book, "Becoming the Kind Father," tells his story.

Sandborn's father, Tom, was anything but kind, especially when he was drinking, the author says in the book. He criticized and belittled his sons, and taught them to keep their feelings to themselves, the author says.

That patriarchal approach to parenting, says Sandborn, has created too many men who are psychologically crippled, unable to sustain deep relationships and prone to depression, addiction and eruptions of anger.

Father and son relationships can be:

* Filled with joy - watching your boy hit his first home run

* Filled with frustration - "Son, now what did you do!"

* Filled with sorrow - "Dad, why can't you come home from work and spend time with me?"

* A relationship that is never really easy. That is why FamilyIQ developed the course: Father and Son Relationships, to help find common ground and strengthen the relationship between fathers and sons. If you are Dad, you need to check out this eye opening online course.

Dr. Phil and FamilyIQ Help A Family In Serious Trouble

Alex was an out-of-control 14-year-old who was stealing, running away, doing drugs and prostituting herself to older men when her family asked Dr. Phil to intervene. And intervene Dr. Phil did. He brought Alex and her troubled family into the Dr. Phil house, where the family situation spun out of control.

After a tumultuous stay in The Dr. Phil House, Alex left the home to attend the Academy of the Sierras, a therapeutic boarding school where she received the help that she needed. While Alex was away, her Mom sought to better her parenting skills by taking FamilyIQ online courses.

FamilyIQ was excited about being part of the show, but the real reward comes from knowing that we have played our part in helping a family become stronger and healthier.

And...there is even more great news - FamilyIQ will be featured on the show tomorrow! Be sure to watch Dr. Phil, but more importantly, be sure to focus on your own family.