The Paradox of a Child Who Lies to You!
Mark Hobbins
Living with a child, especially one in the pre-teen or teenage years, can be particularly challenging. What happened? How did this once sweet-tempered, polite and obedient little girl (well, relatively!) turn so mean and hateful to her parents? She truly seems at times to be filled with animosity, scorn, and sarcasm. WhatEVER!
Well, here’s a surprise: kids do not disclose their true feelings towards their parents.
Over the span of the past 25 years, I have been working directly and indirectly with parents and families who are in varying degrees of turmoil - from parents of children who are at times disrespectful and disobeying, to parents of children who have more severe issues and who are in treatment of one kind or another. The spectrum of this type of behavior ranges wildly at times from stubborn refusal to comply with common parental requests to outright defiance to family rules. The focus of my intervention is to help parents deal with their own feelings of inadequacy as well as their children’s behavior. Some of these parents feel helpless and heart-broken at times, and some parents feel that they may lose hope.
But here is an interesting fact that I’ve observed, time and time again. Kids who are in treatment, these same inconsiderate and seemingly uncaring children will, without exception, write the most sincere and loving letters to their parents as part of an exercise or when just given the chance to fully and honestly express themselves. These kids don’t get points for the content of their letters, they are told just to be honest in their notes to their parents. No matter how spotty the history, these children invariably tell their parents how happy they will be to see them or talk to them and how much they care. I have seen this over and over again.
With the right combination of parenting combined with the right advice or intervention, things can and do change. These children LIED when they told their parents how much they hated them: it took patience and intervention to allow these children to face their emotions and express their genuine feelings of love. ALL children, to varying degrees, lie to their parents about their feelings for and about them. Sometimes it takes a great crisis for the truth to out, sometimes it takes some degrees of growth and maturity, but it always takes patience and understanding.
My advice to all parents is to not buy into their kids’ crazy behavior. Don’t believe your children when they say they hate you, when they say you’re ruining their lives, or any of the other nasty and demeaning statements they will say to you in fits of anger and frustration. You may be the only person they can trust enough to vent to!
The message here for all well-meaning parents who are trying to show love, support and genuine caring for their children, is this: Don’t quit. Believe me, I’ve seen this over and over again - hang in there and don’t quit: things WILL change. If you find yourself believing the hurtful things your child may say, you will lose out as a parent and the risk is that your child may well have more of a struggle than is warranted.
Part 2 of this article will cover children’s behavior and parental self-esteem and Part 3 will talk about recent research that uncovered that fact that – guess what? You are really a hero to your kids!
See the FamilyIQ course Codependency vs. Independence and the article Communicating with Adolescents for more information.
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Mark Hobbins
Living with a child, especially one in the pre-teen or teenage years, can be particularly challenging. What happened? How did this once sweet-tempered, polite and obedient little girl (well, relatively!) turn so mean and hateful to her parents? She truly seems at times to be filled with animosity, scorn, and sarcasm. WhatEVER!
Well, here’s a surprise: kids do not disclose their true feelings towards their parents.
Over the span of the past 25 years, I have been working directly and indirectly with parents and families who are in varying degrees of turmoil - from parents of children who are at times disrespectful and disobeying, to parents of children who have more severe issues and who are in treatment of one kind or another. The spectrum of this type of behavior ranges wildly at times from stubborn refusal to comply with common parental requests to outright defiance to family rules. The focus of my intervention is to help parents deal with their own feelings of inadequacy as well as their children’s behavior. Some of these parents feel helpless and heart-broken at times, and some parents feel that they may lose hope.
But here is an interesting fact that I’ve observed, time and time again. Kids who are in treatment, these same inconsiderate and seemingly uncaring children will, without exception, write the most sincere and loving letters to their parents as part of an exercise or when just given the chance to fully and honestly express themselves. These kids don’t get points for the content of their letters, they are told just to be honest in their notes to their parents. No matter how spotty the history, these children invariably tell their parents how happy they will be to see them or talk to them and how much they care. I have seen this over and over again.
With the right combination of parenting combined with the right advice or intervention, things can and do change. These children LIED when they told their parents how much they hated them: it took patience and intervention to allow these children to face their emotions and express their genuine feelings of love. ALL children, to varying degrees, lie to their parents about their feelings for and about them. Sometimes it takes a great crisis for the truth to out, sometimes it takes some degrees of growth and maturity, but it always takes patience and understanding.
My advice to all parents is to not buy into their kids’ crazy behavior. Don’t believe your children when they say they hate you, when they say you’re ruining their lives, or any of the other nasty and demeaning statements they will say to you in fits of anger and frustration. You may be the only person they can trust enough to vent to!
The message here for all well-meaning parents who are trying to show love, support and genuine caring for their children, is this: Don’t quit. Believe me, I’ve seen this over and over again - hang in there and don’t quit: things WILL change. If you find yourself believing the hurtful things your child may say, you will lose out as a parent and the risk is that your child may well have more of a struggle than is warranted.
Part 2 of this article will cover children’s behavior and parental self-esteem and Part 3 will talk about recent research that uncovered that fact that – guess what? You are really a hero to your kids!
See the FamilyIQ course Codependency vs. Independence and the article Communicating with Adolescents for more information.
FamilyIQ
posted by Mark Hobbins at
2:59 PM
3 Comments:
This is so true! I had so many problmems with my daughter when she was younger but I never gave up on her. As she grew up our relationship got better. I didn't take the awful things she said to me personnaly. When she got married last year she told me how much she did appreciate me and how I always stood by her and supported her. Now I am reaping great rewards as she will be a Mom soon herself and I look forward to the relationship I will have with her and my grandchild.
By
Anna K., at 3:42 AM
i truly enjoy your own posting type, very unique.
don't quit and also keep writing as it just well worth to look through it,
looking forward to browse through alot more of your own articles, goodbye!
By
Anonymous, at 8:52 AM
Sorry for my bad english. Thank you so much for your good post. Your post helped me in my college assignment, If you can provide me more details please email me.
By
Anonymous, at 2:52 PM
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