Why can't some dads be more nurturing? A son looks back

From the The News-Sentinel / FortWayne.com

SACRAMENTO, Calif. - When he was 13 years old, Calvin Sandborn silently wished that his abusive, alcoholic father would die.

Soon, the Oroville, Calif., boy got his wish.

A part of him was relieved, but he also was filled with guilt and dread. Was it his fault? What would his life be like now? What would happen to him and his family?

Calvin started to sob, until his ex-Marine brother David set him straight. "We're the men in the family now, boys," he quotes David as telling Calvin and his other brother Tom that morning. "We have to take this like men."

So that day, and for a good part of his adult life, Calvin stopped crying. He "bucked up," burying his emotions deep inside of him.

All of that macho repression, he now insists, took a heavy toll on his emotional life and relationships.

Through countless hours of therapy and years of introspection, Sandborn finally has found peace. His book, "Becoming the Kind Father," tells his story.

Sandborn's father, Tom, was anything but kind, especially when he was drinking, the author says in the book. He criticized and belittled his sons, and taught them to keep their feelings to themselves, the author says.

That patriarchal approach to parenting, says Sandborn, has created too many men who are psychologically crippled, unable to sustain deep relationships and prone to depression, addiction and eruptions of anger.

Father and son relationships can be:

* Filled with joy - watching your boy hit his first home run

* Filled with frustration - "Son, now what did you do!"

* Filled with sorrow - "Dad, why can't you come home from work and spend time with me?"

* A relationship that is never really easy. That is why FamilyIQ developed the course: Father and Son Relationships, to help find common ground and strengthen the relationship between fathers and sons. If you are Dad, you need to check out this eye opening online course.